How Little Lies Can Lead to Big Trouble

A friend of ours, Colleen, was born and raised in Ireland’s farm country, got sober in Boston, and describes the difference between honesty and rigorous honesty. According to Colleen, honesty is when you return a rope to the neighboring farm, admitting you stole the rope. Rigorous honesty is when you admit there had been a cow attached to the rope.

Most of our patients have become skilled at telling half-truths, minimizing consequences, allowing others to make erroneous assumptions. (According to my Mom, a lie is any attempt to deceive.) These skills were absolutely necessary to protect the addict’s unhealthy lifestyle. For many, these have become well-ingrained habits—difficult to recognize and to break. And who’s to say which lie is harmful and which one, if any, is harmless?

Lies of the past

I want to learn about my patient’s life, from the sandbox up through adolescence and adulthood. Usually, the stories include instances of mature, honorable behavior, allowing me to provide genuine positive reinforcement. There’s always something praiseworthy in my patient’s history, and I make it a point to shine a light on those honest, selfless moments.

Without much probing on my part, the person’s storytelling also will reveal moments of dishonest, untruthful behavior and the consequences of those actions. This can offer an opportunity to learn from those situations—recognizing that some of the dishonesty may have been useful, yielding positive results. If my patient is active in AA/NA, the Steps will provide an opportunity to examine character defects and past behaviors, and to issue apologies when appropriate.

Examining past behavior helps me understand my patient (which is my job), but I must do so without judgment. I must earn my patient’s trust and move the discussion, ultimately, to what’s happening today and what behaviors will support a sober tomorrow.

Lies of today and tomorrow

As discussed, lying can be habit-forming, especially when the lie is viewed as inconsequential, or not causing any harm. Here’s where addiction professionals must walk a fine line, avoiding a judgmental tone while examining the motives, possible benefits and potential consequences of the decisions facing our patients. These ethical dilemmas can be complex, lacking a single or obvious course of action.

Here's the unfortunate truth. Small lies that are successful (no consequences, no victims) give the person the courage and the confidence to move ahead with somewhat bigger lies. And bigger lies can trigger adrenalin, endorphins and dopamine, the “feel good” chemicals in our bodies. This can remind our patient of the thrill of committing a crime, the successful con, the “hustle.”

In other words, lying can actually feel good, and might encourage one to believe he can relapse without consequences. Here’s the irony: rigorous honesty also feels good. Being totally honest provides a boost to one’s self-esteem and sense of maturity. More good news: it becomes easier over time.

The gray areas

Each patient is different and each circumstance requires its own analysis. Filling out a job application, initiating a romantic relationship, negotiating a financial transaction—there are many situations where complete disclosure may have to be postponed or even abandoned. But these are decisions that should not be made in a vacuum. Our patient will need a stable of safe, sober people to provide guidance in these areas.

Often, people tell lies simply to impress others. If I sense this is the case and if our relationship is strong, I will challenge my patient’s motives and perhaps share the following quote: “You can’t save your face and your ass at the same time.”

Seek steady progress

Addiction professionals deal with people who have survived, even flourished, due to their ability to obfuscate the truth. Addicts needed to develop these deceptive techniques to perpetuate their “using” lifestyle, so the idea of rigorous honesty will not come naturally to many of our patients.

But to fortify recovery, one must keep little lies from leading to bigger lies—and big consequences. It’ll be slow going, and addiction professionals will want to applaud even the smallest examples of rigorous honesty.

Brian Duffy, LMHC, LADC-I, is a mental health counselor at SMOC Behavioral Healthcare in Framingham, Mass. His email address is bduffy@smoc.org.