Everything I Learned About Leadership, I Learned in Marriage Counseling
I’ve been married for 15 years and have been in EMS leadership for 10 years. Over the years, I’ve needed many reminders to maintain my work-life balance. One of these reminders came when my wife and I decided to attend marriage counseling to make our relationship stronger. It was during some of these sessions that I realized some of the lessons I was learning to strengthen my marriage were also applicable to becoming a better leader. With this article, I intend to share some of these thoughts and help you realize that by helping one aspect of your life, you can help many.
Let’s start with the importance of communication. Often, effective communication is taken for granted in both marriage and leadership. For example, in a marriage, over time, couples become increasingly comfortable with each other. This may cause an unintended lack of communication. This causes issues when one or both members of the couple start to wonder why. Are they hiding something? Have they lost interest? We need to make sure that the proper message is being received.
Let’s look at it from the leader’s perspective. So much can go wrong with the lack of communication. One of the biggest issues is the rumor mill. When leaders lack communication with staff members, they tend to fill in the blanks with their own information, right or wrong. We have all experienced the frustration this causes. Dealing with the backlash of poor communication will inevitably take more time and effort than using proper communication skills in the first place.
To address some of these communication issues, we need to pay attention. This goes for marriage and leadership. In marriage this may look like designating a specific time to talk about how your day went, giving your spouse equal opportunity to talk about their day so both partners feel respected. Also, no one is a mind reader. You may show emotions, but don’t leave it up to your spouse to figure out what is bothering you. This is also relevant in leadership. Don’t assume that your staff knows what’s going on in the administration. They deserve to remain updated on topics that will impact them. Relay this information multiple ways: Talk to them, write e-mails, and post bulletins. Just make sure it gets the message to them.
The other side of communication is listening. This was an area on which I needed to focus on doing better. I don’t know whether it was because of my medical background or just who I am, but I needed to realize that I didn’t always need a fix. Sometimes we just need to listen.
We should practice active listening. Sometimes the best way to help is to just lend an ear and let the other person say their peace. This concept aligns with leadership when it comes to listening to staff. Not every gripe or complaint needs a fix. Periodically, our staff members just need to be heard and reassured that they are heard. When we listen and feel that we must always give an answer or a fix for a subject, this can lead to our staff feeling like they are not being heard or valued. Sometimes just listening is the best we can do.
At times when our communication breaks down, we find ourselves arguing more than anyone would like to admit. I’m not talking about physical fighting, which I would never condone, but I’m talking about incidents ranging from raising our voices to the silent treatment. No matter what the incident is, there is such a thing as fair fighting. My best advice when it comes to fair fighting is to never argue when you are angry. When we’re angry and emotionally charged, we increase the chances of saying statements that we may regret for many years to come. The last thing we want to do is to hurt long-term relationships for an argument that won’t matter in a couple of hours. Please take the time to choose your words wisely. Even when we’re arguing, we need to compromise and not escalate the situation. This advice is completely applicable when involving family or our coworkers.
My second piece of advice when it comes to fair fighting is not to feel that you must have the last word. We don’t have the right solution or advice for every situation, and there is nothing wrong with it. What is wrong is making statements that can be totally irrelevant just to get in the last word or attempt to come out on top. The thing is no one comes out on top in an argument. If you don’t have the answer or are in the wrong, there is nothing wrong with a little humility and backing down. Please keep in mind that arguments don’t have to be a yelling match. When we avoid arguing when angry or when no one is trying to get the final word in, arguing can be done respectfully and peacefully. Doing this shows your spouse or coworker that you’re not perfect and are willing to change for the better.
After all the arguments are over and communication issues are dealt with, we often come up with a compromise. How do we make changes to strengthen our relationship or figure out how to help those we oversee? Following up on any agreed-upon results of a disagreement is an important step in any marriage or leadership role. Our follow-up can make or break relationships and topple leaders. If we tell someone that we’re going to do something, we must do it. If you tell your spouse that you are going to seek out one-on-one counseling for your mental health, do it. If you tell your coworker that “If you need anything, please let me know,” when they come to you and, in fact, need your help, you should be well prepared to get them the help they need. With a lack of follow-up comes a lack of trust. Without trust relationships and leadership will not work. As a spouse or a leader, we need to make sure that we are true to our words. If you make a promise of change or commitment, show people that you have integrity and can be trusted with your follow-up.
Now, let's talk about handholding, both physically and metaphorically. The physical part comes with our spouse. Holding hands is one of the simplest ways that we can instill comfort and confidence in our relationship. It reminds our spouse that we are still standing by their side through the hard times and the good. Handholding is metaphorical when it comes to leadership. We’ve all heard clinicians say, “I’m not going to hold their hand.” Why not? As a leader, mentor, or educator, it’s our duty to set those we oversee up for success. If we take their hand and show them policy, procedures, expectations, and so on, this will help create a culture of learning and respect. When we make this common practice, success is almost certain. With that said, a little handholding goes a long way; if there is no accountability, handholding can enable poor performance and poor behavior.
In conclusion, I want to remind you to never stop learning. This goes for both your relationship and your leadership skills. As humans, we’re always changing. The world of EMS is always changing. This means that we must work to keep up with changes. Developing skills, improving our communication, growing closer to our loved ones, and becoming a better mentor for our team members. We can’t become complacent in these areas. If you feel you need assistance, don’t be afraid to ask. Seeking assistance can be one of the most important steps toward successful relationships and successful leadership—none of us can do this alone.
About the Author
Patrick Rogers began his career in 1998 as a graduate of the Providence Hospital Paramedic Training Program in Sandusky, OH. He has worked most of his career in private EMS and has experience in 9-1-1, interfacility transports, critical care, Level 1 trauma centers, and government contracting. His experiences have led him from work in various locations in Ohio and Iraq to the Lake Erie Islands, where he served as EMS manager for Put-in-Bay EMS. Rogers received his Bachelor of EMS Administration degree in 2022 and has been a certified EMS instructor since 2019, currently teaching EMS with EHOVE Adult Career Center. Currently, he functions as an EMS captain for Seneca County EMS in Ohio. Additionally, Rogers is also a former member of the NAEMT Advocacy Committee and a current cohort of the Lighthouse Leadership Program.
